DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
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im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Tuesday
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.