Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Camping tip: No.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*