@geowizzacist Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
@geowizzacist 
@geowizzacist Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
@geowizzacist What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
@geowizzacist Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
@geowizzacist ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
@geowizzacist Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
@geowizzacist Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
@geowizzacist (Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
@geowizzacist To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
@geowizzacist Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.