Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@geowizzacist : Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
@geowizzacist: What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
@geowizzacist: Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
@geowizzacist: ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
@geowizzacist: Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
@geowizzacist: Me: The brake pads breaked.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
@geowizzacist: (Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That's it now the vodka's open get the orange juice.
@geowizzacist: To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
@geowizzacist: Give a man a fish and he'll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.