@geowizzacist

Waiter: And what would you like sir?

Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.

Entire restaurant: *gasps*

@geowizzacist

What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.

@geowizzacist

Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*

@geowizzacist

ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?

Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.

@geowizzacist

Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.

@geowizzacist

Me: The brake pads breaked.

Mechanic: Broke.

Me: The broke pads breaked.

@geowizzacist

(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)

Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.

That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.

@geowizzacist

To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.

@geowizzacist

Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.