My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Me: The broke pads breaked.