@geowizzacist: ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
@geowizzacist: (Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That's it now the vodka's open get the orange juice.
@geowizzacist: To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
@geowizzacist: Give a man a fish and he'll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
@geowizzacist: Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?