@geowizzacist: What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.

@geowizzacist: Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*

@geowizzacist: ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?

Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.

@geowizzacist: Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.

@geowizzacist: Me: The brake pads breaked.

Mechanic: Broke.

Me: The broke pads breaked.

@geowizzacist: (Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)

Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.

That's it now the vodka's open get the orange juice.

@geowizzacist: To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.

@geowizzacist: Give a man a fish and he'll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.

@geowizzacist: (Treehouse)

Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*

Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.