@geowizzacist

My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP

@geowizzacist

Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!

~later~

5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit

@geowizzacist

Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”

@geowizzacist

Waiter: And what would you like sir?

Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.

Entire restaurant: *gasps*

@geowizzacist

What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.

@geowizzacist

Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*

@geowizzacist

ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?

Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.

@geowizzacist

Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.

@geowizzacist

Me: The brake pads breaked.

Mechanic: Broke.

Me: The broke pads breaked.