Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.