*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.