@geowizzacist

My 4yo: Let’s play a game!

Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?

4: No. Yes.

@geowizzacist

I just stabbed a pin in my arm.

Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’

@geowizzacist

I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.

@geowizzacist

*finds a sock behind the washing machine*

*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*

@geowizzacist

Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?

Wife: do you even know his name anymore?

Me: yes wife of course I know his name.

@geowizzacist

Me: I’ve had a breakdown.

Tow truck company: Where’s your car?

Me: Car?

@geowizzacist

(Outside at dusk)

Wife: Lovely evening.

Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.

@geowizzacist

*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*

*Takes kid to pub*

*Bumps into wife at pub*