My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Me: One food please.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*