If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.