A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
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[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
me when the borders lift
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*