Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
You Might Also Like
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
I put the hot in psychotic.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.