Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
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Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.