cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
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I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me