‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.