I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
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I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
i’m still crying at this