Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.