Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.