my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Very good news from my accountant
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date