A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it