Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.