Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face