If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…