[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens