My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
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I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Me sliding into hell like
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop