the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then