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Page of girlontapas's best tweets

@girlontapas : Not now, I'm binge watching the weather channel.

@girlontapas: Think you had a bad childhood?

Wait until you see what adulthood has to offer.

@girlontapas: The 3 second rule: the time between when you tell me your name and when I introduce myself and wonder what you said your name was.

@girlontapas: Started to go to the gym this morning, couldn't find my membership card...

A new one was $10

A donut & coffee were $3

Guess who saved $7?

@girlontapas: Marriage: a state of constantly fluctuating between harmony and homicide.

@girlontapas: I’m not saying that I don’t like him...

But I hope he wakes up out of coffee and finds out that his phone updated and all of the apps he uses want him to re-enter his login and password.

@girlontapas: Me at work: If there’s an emergency, you can text me.

Next day: Allow me to define “emergency”.

@girlontapas: I am not a functional alcoholic.

I am a dysfunctional sober person.

@girlontapas: They say old habits die hard...

My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.

@girlontapas: My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.