They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.