The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
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Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Everyone’s family
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
she has a point
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
😎 🍻
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.