Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
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The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
this is me
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma