“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
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Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
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When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.