Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.
Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.
Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.
“My wife’s just made breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Spanish film idea. A woman sees her son wrongly imprisoned and immediately sets out to have him released. It’s called Bye Juan, Get Juan Free.
My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.
Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.