Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.
You heard.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.