MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
