People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
My dog after a walk in the woods.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?