Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:
“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”
And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
