[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
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How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
then why did i get this email
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal