this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL