It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
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Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.