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Page of goldengateblond's best tweets

@goldengateblond : what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business

@goldengateblond: when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”

@goldengateblond: The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.

@goldengateblond: Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like "wtf" because I've been on 7 diets since lunch.

@goldengateblond: A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said "well I didn't throw up" and this is now my measurement of success for everything.

@goldengateblond: I'd like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means "wow that's fantastic." Her texts are so much more fun now.

@goldengateblond: You know when someone's all "ugh this smells terrible" and they want you to smell it too? That's what sharing political news is like lately.

@goldengateblond: what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material

@goldengateblond: Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE

@goldengateblond: College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.