@goldengateblond

This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.

@goldengateblond

HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!

@goldengateblond

what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business

@goldengateblond

when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”

@goldengateblond

Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.

@goldengateblond

A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.

@goldengateblond

I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.

@goldengateblond

You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.