What a year we’ve had this week.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.