I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.