a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
there has never been a better use of this meme
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
What a year we’ve had this week.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.