To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
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wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
This anagram machine is out of order.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.