@goodballs

[sees girl reading Lord of the Rings]
“Ah I love that book. The way that guy is just [clenches fist] the Lord of all those freakin rings.”

@goodballs

Give a woman an inch and she probably won’t call you back.

@goodballs

If your bf/gf is mad at you put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super mad!” If they laugh marry them.

@goodballs

How to get out of a bad date.

1. Pull fake baby out of your bag.
2. Tell your date to help pick a name.
3. Start taking family photos.

@goodballs

Call me crazy but you can’t follow, star, retweet, and trophy me and then act surprised when I show up to your house in a wedding dress.