Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?