Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?