“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
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Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
broke down and did it
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.