How bout I hold a toaster over you while you’re in the tub, and you tweet something that doesn’t make me drop it.
McDonalds employees get so cranky when you perform the entire dance routine to Britney Spear’s “I’m a slave for you” before ordering.
Pilot makes a sudden sharp turn, comes on speaker “Just kidding!! Attendants will be by with new underwear. Have a nice flight everybody.”
I’ve replaced my friends insulin with heroin. This is the most expensive prank I’ve ever done but it’s ok, I’ll rob him when he’s dead.
I help morning mall walkers get their blood flowing by chasing them down with a chainsaw.
I’m always ready with my mallet when sewer workers poke their head up from under a manhole.
Stop being racist to kettles.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Don’t ever let anybody outshine you in life. If that means arriving at someone’s funeral in a casket, then so be it.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.