Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
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People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on