Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
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If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing