A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
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I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
#titanic
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”