this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them