if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ