son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana